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Ladies and gentlemen, applaud Bruce Bruce!

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Bruce!

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What's happening?

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Chicago.

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Nothing but love.

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How is everything going? Like a preacher. Are you a preacher?

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He likes the old bishop. "Good God Almighty."

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Hey, hey

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You don't know it like I know it

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I didn't say anything about God, but I sound good, right, player?

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Are you about to give your life to Christ again?

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I'm going to let them know that I'm stupid. I'm really stupid.

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If I don't see you laugh, I'll jump into the audience.

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I'm not playing.

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I'm going to dive to the side.

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I'm going to get 12 real people.

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Someone's going to get hurt up here, you hear me?

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Someone will be on the ground growling.

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"Get him off! Get him off!"

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Bishop, I'm glad to see you. All good?

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He likes the old bishop. You know, "God is good."

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"Yes it is."

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How are you, girl? I see you looking at me and everything.

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You like the big boy, right? Girl, don't start now.

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Let me sit down. Can I sit and talk to you?

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- Yeah! - Don't you care?

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- No. - Wow, this is Chicago, but it's Chicago.

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Ooh, the best pizza in the world.

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The best Polish sausage in the world.

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Wow, there's something special about that Polish sausage.

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When that cup explodes when you bite into it...

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Oh I am heaven

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Wow! They have burgers and Polish pork chop sandwiches.

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Am I right?

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I had four pork chop sandwiches, eight Polish sausages, and three hamburgers.

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Order of fries and a Diet Coke.

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I didn't want to gain any weight, you know what I'm saying?

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It was nothing but protein, player, you know what I'm saying?

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But you know, I love Chicago.

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And, you know, I can't come here in the winter. Oh no.

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Wow, it's too cold up here. It's too cold.

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I came here once. Look, we passed by the Greyhound bus station.

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There were no dogs on the bus, look.

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We got on the bus, they were inside. "Get your ass over here, man!"

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It's cold out there. What's the matter?

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Yes, indeed.

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And you know what, man? I love coming to Chicago.

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Chicago, they are authentic. There is no middle ground in Chicago.

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- No. - Either they like you or they don't like you.

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There's no "Oh, you're okay." No, brother, "You were terrible."

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"You were good." That's all.

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Chicago doesn't play.

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But you know, everyone, I'm going to tell you something.

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Everywhere you go, everyone thinks their pastor can preach.

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Especially black people: "Oh, my pastor can preach."

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"He can preach. Oh Lord, my pastor can preach."

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I get very tired of hearing that everywhere I go.

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We arrived here about six months ago.

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I need everyone to come to my church. My pastor can preach.

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I said, "I don't want to hear that. I've heard it every time."

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"He can preach."

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I told the guy, "Man, let's go over there and see that preacher."

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Man we get there, man the choir is singing and everything,

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And the choir finished singing, the preacher stood up to speak.

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We didn't know he whistled when he spoke.

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He stood up and said, "Let us give glory to God."

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"God is...

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...preparing to move."

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"Alleluia."

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"And it's getting ready to change."

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"Glory to God."

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"And you'll see when it changes, thank you, Jesus."

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"Glory to God."

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I looked at her and she said, "He can preach."

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I said, "He can whistle."

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"Yes, yes, yes."

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"God is a good God."

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"Yes it is."

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You have to get that whistle out of your throat.

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I thought I had a puppy in the pulpit. No...

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And let me tell you, man, I've been doing comedy for a long time,

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And I still enjoy doing stand-up comedy if I started yesterday,

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But I study and observe a lot of people, and that's how you learn something.

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Let me tell you something. That Eddie Murphy,

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In his prime, this man was a genius.

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Am I right?

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Hey, and I'm not saying it's not anymore.

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I know it is.

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- Everything he touched was simply excellent. - Yeah!

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Except for a movie.

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His name was Pluto Nash.

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Y'all remember that shit?

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Oh my god, Eddie should have killed himself.

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It was terrible.

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Oh my god.

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But everything else, from 48 Hrs. , Beverly Hills Cop , Trading Places,

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Coming to America, brilliant.

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Bright.

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But that thing about Harlem Nights, let me tell you something.

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When I tell you that man did his homework on that movie.

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That movie was fun from start to finish.

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Every scene in that movie was funny.

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Do you remember? Do you remember when it started, they were gambling?

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The tall guy said, "I'm sending you all home, bro!"

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He looked at that little boy.

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He said, "Hey, man, what the fuck is this guy doing here?"

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Didn't I tell you that children bring me bad luck?

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He looked at the boy and said, "Get out of here before I kick your ass."

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That kid looked at him and said, "You're not going to kick anything."

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Do you remember that?

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Do you remember that? They said, "Do you have a girl you can introduce?"

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He said, "Sugar, I have a girl whose pussy is so good..."

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"...you throw it into the air and it turns into sunlight."

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Everyone in the room looked up. They said...

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The champion came to the club and they said: "The champion is here." Like...

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They said, "Ready?" "Ready? Well, yeah, damn it, I'm ready."

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They said, "We have a lot of money here." He said, "Well..."

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"You about to become rich blacks

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"Because I'm knocking someone out."

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"Do you understand what I'm saying?"

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And the reason I'm talking about these people, friends,

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I've been in that business for a long time.

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I personally knew all the actors in that film,

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But I realized that many of them have passed away.

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Like the tall guy who was playing?

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He died about eight years ago.

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-Richard Pryor. - Yes.

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- Redd Foxx. - Yes.

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-Della Reese.-Yes.

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-Charlie Murphy. - Yes.

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- Reynaldo Rey.- Yes.

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-Tommy Ford. - Yes.

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-Robin Harris. - Yes.

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And I'm sitting here thinking, "Man,

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I'm glad I wasn't in that damn movie, man.

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Look, I know it's wrong, right?

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But they're fine with me: "Aha, aha."

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They are gone.

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Am I right?

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And you all know I'm from Atlanta, Georgia, right?

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Now I know you all know the group OutKast, right?

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And if you ever noticed anything OutKast did,

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Television, film, video... I've been there.

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I'm like his older brother.

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The first film I made with them was called Idlewild.

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Remember I was in that with Patti LaBelle?

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The second film I made with them was called Who's Your Caddy?

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I was the bookie at the golf course. Do you remember that?

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Then I made a video with them called "So Fresh, So Clean."

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Do you remember the song?

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There is no one dumber than me

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I dress so fresh, so fresh and so clean.

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You know the song.

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They call me and say, "Bruce, you're like our big brother."

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"I got this new video and I want you to be in it."

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"All we want you to do is dress like a pimp."

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I don't have a problem with that because I have pimping tendencies.

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I don't know if you remember what I was wearing.

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but I was wearing a lavender Versace suit with some lavender alligators.

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Wow, it was clean as a hospital rug. Do you hear me, kid?

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But he arrived at the video shoot without knowing that real pimps appeared in the video.

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I don't know if you've ever been around pimps and stuff, but they always talk shit.

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making things rhyme, but completely serious.

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I arrived. There's a pimp from Cleveland named Good Game.

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Another DC pimp named JuJu.

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Then Pimp Ken appears. He taps me like that.

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"What's up, Pimpin'?"

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I said, "What's up, man?"

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He said: "You know it's a pleasure when two players meet, you understand?"

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I said, "Man, I appreciate that." He said, "Shit. A pimp, pimp, hooray!"

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What makes it so bad? He was very serious. Then he looked at me.

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He said, "Look, pimp, pimp, beach, beach,

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"I have all the colorful suits in the closet."

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"I don't have a lavender suit."

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"You don't mind if I make one because you're breaking that mug right now."

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I said, "No, let's do this together."

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He said, "I appreciate it, Pimpin."

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"It's nothing more than a chicken wing."

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"You drop it in the fat and I'll give you a piece."

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"Do you understand what I'm saying?"

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I said, "Where are you going?"

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He said, "I'm going to get these switches and I'm going to kick these bitches."

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Man, this man wore a mink coat that trailed the crown like a train,

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like a wedding dress.

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He had three women holding the back of the coat.

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while walking around the shoot.

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I said, "Pimpin' Ken, wait,

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You have these three young ladies holding your coat as you walk?

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He didn't look at them. He looked at me.

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He said, "These bitches should not let this coat hit the ground."

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Wow, I got really excited about that shit. Let me tell you something, guys.

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I arrived home. I bought a king size blanket.

193
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I pour that cup over myself.

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I told my wife, "Bitch, pick up that blanket."

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"And you better not let it fall to the damn floor."

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My wife looked at me and said:

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"Bruce, if you don't sit your fat ass in that chair,

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Watch TV and leave me alone,

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I'm going to insult you. Do you understand me?

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I said, "Well, damn it."

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She said, "A pimp, pimp, hooray."

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Let me tell you something.

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I'm going to tell you the truth. I'm much older than I look.

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I'm older. I have three very grown children.

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My daughter is 39 years old.

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- My baby is 41 years old. - Yes!

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My oldest son is 44 years old.

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Oh, I used to leave that dick on the floor.

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Ooh, I used to fuck like they were tearing up the sidewalks.

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Do you know what I'm talking about?

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All that shit is gone.

212
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My wife would be lucky to get this.

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Boo!

214
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And they have things you can take, but they don't work for everyone.

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Man, I took Viagra, everything got hard except my penis.

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My arm, my elbow, my back, my nipple, my stomach,

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my thigh, my knee, my leg, my ankle, my foot.

218
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I had to fuck my wife's feet to death.

219
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What makes it so bad? He doesn't even love me anymore.

220
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She wants something standing. Do you hear me?

221
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Now, to all the young couples here who have teenage children,

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I have something I want to tell you.

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This is the time in your life for you to be his father.

224
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Don't be his friend.

225
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I'm sick of hearing that. It's like saying, "That's my best friend."

226
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No, they are your best friends when they move in and out of your house.

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These kids don't want to do anything, but they want everything.

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iPhone, iPad, clothes, shoes, money, cars... and they want you to buy it all.

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You tell them, "Go and mow the grass."

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"Mow the grass?"

231
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"I'm no gardener."

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I don't know about you. When I was little, we didn't have a gardener.

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Do you know why?

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I was the gardener.

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I used to mow the grass with a non-motorized lawnmower.

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That lawnmower made you work very hard.

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My aunt got up every Saturday morning to cook.

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I wasn't going to set foot on those streets.

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I had to go to that patio. To those hedges.

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It was not an electric hedge trimmer. I had to do it manually.

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Sweep the entrance. There were no blowers. I had to sweep that shit up.

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Then I wash my uncle's car. Then I'm going to prune the garden.

243
00:11:52,878 --> 00:11:55,506
Then my aunt comes and inspects it like she's a drill sergeant.

244
00:11:55,589 --> 00:11:57,591
"Let me see what you did out here."

245
00:11:59,009 --> 00:12:00,469
"Are you done?" I replied, "Yes, ma'am."

246
00:12:00,553 --> 00:12:02,763
"Well, let me find you something else to do."

247
00:12:03,556 --> 00:12:05,683
"Ma'am, I'm going to break your chest with one blow."

248
00:12:06,392 --> 00:12:09,145
"I've been here since 8:15. It's 5:46. I'm tired."

249
00:12:09,228 --> 00:12:11,272
It's not the child's fault. It's the parents' fault.

250
00:12:11,772 --> 00:12:13,858
Now I'm a grandfather, 35, 36.

251
00:12:14,358 --> 00:12:16,193
Great-grandfather, 47, 48.

252
00:12:16,777 --> 00:12:19,238
Look, when I grew up, I grew up with grandparents.

253
00:12:19,321 --> 00:12:22,116
I was so afraid of my grandfather that I didn't know what to do.

254
00:12:22,199 --> 00:12:24,034
So my grandfather looked strange.

255
00:12:25,661 --> 00:12:28,581
That mother was 1.95 m tall and black as a whore.

256
00:12:29,373 --> 00:12:32,460
He was so black that his first name should have been Pitch.

257
00:12:34,670 --> 00:12:36,672
But let me tell you what's strange about him.

258
00:12:36,756 --> 00:12:39,925
This joker was jet black in color and had royal blue eyes.

259
00:12:40,468 --> 00:12:43,304
That mother's look makes you lower your head like a runaway slave.

260
00:12:43,387 --> 00:12:45,556
And he was never impressed with anything you did,

261
00:12:45,639 --> 00:12:48,392
Everything you did, you should have done better.

262
00:12:48,476 --> 00:12:50,227
I was in fifth grade and got excellent grades.

263
00:12:50,311 --> 00:12:51,479
You thought I was the best, didn't you?

264
00:12:51,562 --> 00:12:54,064
Walking around the neighborhood, showing everyone my report card.

265
00:12:54,148 --> 00:12:56,066
My grandfather ran towards me as if he was excited.

266
00:12:56,650 --> 00:12:58,944
He said, "Boy, did you get only A grades?"

267
00:12:59,028 --> 00:13:00,946
I said, "Yes, sir."

268
00:13:01,030 --> 00:13:05,493
He looked me straight in the eyes and said, “Wow, that doesn't look like shit!”

269
00:13:07,119 --> 00:13:08,245
I say, "What can I do?"

270
00:13:08,329 --> 00:13:11,373
He said, "I'm going to give you a test." I asked, "A test?" He said, "Yes, a test."

271
00:13:11,457 --> 00:13:14,418
He said, "Say the alphabet." I said to myself, "This is nothing."

272
00:13:14,502 --> 00:13:18,297
I threw him the alphabet and he said, "Okay, say it backwards."

273
00:13:19,507 --> 00:13:24,720
I say, "Grandpa, hey, they don't make us say it like that in school."

274
00:13:24,804 --> 00:13:26,972
He didn't ask questions, he just slapped me.

275
00:13:27,056 --> 00:13:28,140
Boom!

276
00:13:28,224 --> 00:13:30,059
I was like, "Z, Y, W..."

277
00:13:31,769 --> 00:13:33,187
...Q, M, R, K,

278
00:13:33,813 --> 00:13:35,481
NO,

279
00:13:35,564 --> 00:13:36,398
"C, B, A."

280
00:13:37,817 --> 00:13:41,070
He looked me straight in the eyes and said, “Well, okay.”

281
00:13:41,737 --> 00:13:44,031
I say, "So this bastard didn't know either, right?"

282
00:13:45,741 --> 00:13:48,285
"Putting all that pressure on me, idiot."

283
00:13:50,746 --> 00:13:53,541
And everyone in this room, when we were young, had a best friend.

284
00:13:53,624 --> 00:13:55,084
Everyone had a best friend.

285
00:13:55,167 --> 00:13:57,920
He had a best friend named Barry. We were about 10 or 11 years old.

286
00:13:58,003 --> 00:14:01,006
Barry and I used to go to the park every Saturday after mowing the lawn.

287
00:14:01,090 --> 00:14:03,050
On the way to the park he was heading home.

288
00:14:03,133 --> 00:14:05,636
He said, "You go to the park, you pass by the crib and we walk together."

289
00:14:05,719 --> 00:14:07,137
I said, "It's okay. We're guys."

290
00:14:07,221 --> 00:14:09,890
So as I walk to the park, walk to Barry's house,

291
00:14:09,974 --> 00:14:12,142
I hear Barry in the house arguing with someone.

292
00:14:12,226 --> 00:14:13,853
He wasn't arguing. He was leaving.

293
00:14:13,936 --> 00:14:16,897
Now, everyone has to understand that we are 10 or 11 years old.

294
00:14:17,481 --> 00:14:20,276
I knocked on the door and said, "Hey, man, who are you talking to like that?"

295
00:14:20,359 --> 00:14:22,194
He said, "My mom." I said, "Damn."

296
00:14:23,112 --> 00:14:26,031
I said, "Do you talk to your mom like that?" He said, “Fuck that, man.”

297
00:14:26,532 --> 00:14:27,449
I said, "Does it work?"

298
00:14:27,533 --> 00:14:29,535
He said, "Shit, let's go to the park, right?"

299
00:14:30,035 --> 00:14:31,996
I started thinking about that shit.

300
00:14:33,330 --> 00:14:35,833
"I'm going to try that shit on my mom, you know what I'm saying?"

301
00:14:36,458 --> 00:14:38,878
About three or four weeks passed, my mom and I got to it,

302
00:14:38,961 --> 00:14:41,046
I started talking shit and left.

303
00:14:41,547 --> 00:14:44,008
Man, my mom ran after me and put me in a sleeping position.

304
00:14:45,301 --> 00:14:46,635
And he whispered in my ear:

305
00:14:46,719 --> 00:14:49,346
"If you see the light, walk towards it, motherfucker."

306
00:14:51,765 --> 00:14:54,268
I was like, "Damn, I didn't know she was a murderer."

307
00:14:55,728 --> 00:14:57,688
You all know moms didn't touch that shit.

308
00:14:58,480 --> 00:15:01,233
My mom used to tell me, "Bruce, let's go visit these people's houses,

309
00:15:01,317 --> 00:15:03,235
"If you show me, we will do it together."

310
00:15:03,736 --> 00:15:07,239
"We arrive and they ask us: 'Do you want to eat something?' And you say no."

311
00:15:07,323 --> 00:15:10,367
"They ask you, 'Do you want something to drink?' and you say no."

312
00:15:10,451 --> 00:15:12,119
I said no to everything, except some cake.

313
00:15:12,202 --> 00:15:13,621
Can you let me have some cake?

314
00:15:14,580 --> 00:15:15,664
-Bruce, do you want cake?

315
00:15:20,419 --> 00:15:21,629
"Do you want some cake?"

316
00:15:24,715 --> 00:15:27,217
Bitch, I'm saying, "Yeah, no," damn.

317
00:15:28,719 --> 00:15:31,805
And every parent here is guilty of this, even I am guilty.

318
00:15:31,889 --> 00:15:34,767
I wish my mother had asked me this when we were young.

319
00:15:34,850 --> 00:15:36,310
"What do you want for dinner?"

320
00:15:37,436 --> 00:15:40,522
Now the children shout things. "Burger King, McDonald's, Taco Bell."

321
00:15:41,023 --> 00:15:42,274
My mom cooked, you ate.

322
00:15:43,067 --> 00:15:45,861
You didn't know what it was. You thought: "Mom, how delicious this food is."

323
00:15:45,945 --> 00:15:49,657
"Whatever this shit is."

324
00:15:49,740 --> 00:15:51,700
I'm going to tell you, man, and I'm going to tell you something.

325
00:15:51,784 --> 00:15:54,328
I know many of you who are here homeschooling your children.

326
00:15:54,411 --> 00:15:57,873
That's fine, but children need to be around other children.

327
00:15:58,374 --> 00:16:00,876
Homeschooled children are very rare.

328
00:16:02,419 --> 00:16:05,422
Look, kids need to hear the shit I heard every day in fifth grade.

329
00:16:05,506 --> 00:16:08,467
"When the bell rings at three o'clock, I'll kick your ass."

330
00:16:10,386 --> 00:16:12,471
And these were girls telling me this shit.

331
00:16:14,014 --> 00:16:15,015
Let me tell you something.

332
00:16:15,099 --> 00:16:17,643
I had more fun at school than anywhere else.

333
00:16:18,268 --> 00:16:20,104
I mean kids don't know how to have fun anymore.

334
00:16:20,187 --> 00:16:21,188
Now you mess with a child,

335
00:16:21,271 --> 00:16:23,732
They'll go get a gun, they'll come the next day and kill you.

336
00:16:23,816 --> 00:16:27,569
If I were a kid, I know I'd be dead because I messed with everyone.

337
00:16:27,653 --> 00:16:30,614
When I was in fifth grade, there was a girl who had such a long ponytail...

338
00:16:31,907 --> 00:16:33,450
...with an elastic band around it.

339
00:16:34,243 --> 00:16:36,912
I walked up behind her and said, "Bitch, how did they do that?"

340
00:16:38,455 --> 00:16:41,250
She said, "Do what?" I said, "Make that oxtail right there."

341
00:16:41,959 --> 00:16:46,046
I told her, "Girl, you can stand on your head, your hair won't touch the ground."

342
00:16:46,130 --> 00:16:47,965
She said, "When the bell rings at three o'clock,

343
00:16:48,048 --> 00:16:50,134
"I'm going to kick your ass."

344
00:16:50,217 --> 00:16:52,886
I said, "You're not going to do anything."

345
00:16:53,595 --> 00:16:55,597
Man, the bell rang and I ran out.

346
00:16:56,265 --> 00:16:58,350
I didn't know she was a track star.

347
00:16:58,434 --> 00:17:00,227
I said, "She'll get me."

348
00:17:00,310 --> 00:17:01,812
Man, that girl beat me up.

349
00:17:01,895 --> 00:17:04,773
Look, she had me on the ground and said, "What's up now, motherfucker?"

350
00:17:04,857 --> 00:17:07,526
I said, "Your hair is still shorter than a motherfucker's."

351
00:17:10,320 --> 00:17:12,197
Kids don't know how to have fun, man.

352
00:17:12,698 --> 00:17:16,827
Am I right? Do you remember...? Do you remember that you had clothes for school and for playing?

353
00:17:16,910 --> 00:17:17,911
Do you remember that shit?

354
00:17:18,537 --> 00:17:19,371
Your mom said:

355
00:17:19,455 --> 00:17:21,999
"When you get home from school, put on your play clothes now."

356
00:17:22,082 --> 00:17:24,835
"Don't let him come home and see you in those school clothes."

357
00:17:24,918 --> 00:17:28,297
And play clothes were the shit they had, you know, three years ago.

358
00:17:29,465 --> 00:17:32,176
Sleeves too short and pants too short.

359
00:17:32,259 --> 00:17:34,636
You in the front yard looking like the Incredible Hulk.

360
00:17:37,681 --> 00:17:39,141
Would you say to your friend, "Do you want to play?"

361
00:17:39,224 --> 00:17:41,018
No, you look stronger than a motherfucker, man.

362
00:17:45,814 --> 00:17:48,942
And you see, we have to raise our kids again, man.

363
00:17:49,610 --> 00:17:51,403
When I grew up, my uncle taught me how to cook.

364
00:17:51,487 --> 00:17:54,323
An aunt taught me how to clean. Another taught me how to wash clothes.

365
00:17:54,406 --> 00:17:56,283
My mother taught me to keep my butt clean.

366
00:17:56,366 --> 00:17:59,495
My mother said, "No woman wants a stinky man?"

367
00:18:00,204 --> 00:18:03,582
Man, I was in there taking a shower and my mom ran over and was like, "Wait!"

368
00:18:03,665 --> 00:18:06,168
"Let me teach you how to wash your ass." "Wait a minute. Wait."

369
00:18:07,669 --> 00:18:09,338
"I'm already 17. Don't do that shit."

370
00:18:11,882 --> 00:18:13,592
Now look, I'm talking to all the men.

371
00:18:13,675 --> 00:18:15,344
Men, if you do this, applaud.

372
00:18:15,427 --> 00:18:17,096
If you don't do it, don't applaud.

373
00:18:17,805 --> 00:18:21,016
How many men in this room spoiled their wives?

374
00:18:23,435 --> 00:18:24,645
Six boys.

375
00:18:26,146 --> 00:18:29,024
That guy over there sitting on his hand, "Fuck this shit."

376
00:18:29,942 --> 00:18:35,114
Guys, it is your job and your duty to spoil your woman.

377
00:18:35,697 --> 00:18:36,698
Am I right?

378
00:18:37,324 --> 00:18:38,450
I mean, am I right?

379
00:18:39,660 --> 00:18:44,206
And ladies, it is your job and your duty to consent to it too.

380
00:18:45,624 --> 00:18:47,459
This is not something unilateral.

381
00:18:47,960 --> 00:18:50,838
I... I'll tell you what... I'll tell you what, let me tell you what kind of man I am.

382
00:18:50,921 --> 00:18:54,424
Now guys, listen to the women's reactions when I say this.

383
00:18:55,008 --> 00:18:59,680
I am a very, very, very controlling man.

384
00:19:00,722 --> 00:19:02,099
You heard that lady: "Mmm."

385
00:19:03,725 --> 00:19:06,019
You heard that lady: "I liked your fat ass."

386
00:19:07,104 --> 00:19:10,440
I'm not talking about control like that. You can't control a grown woman.

387
00:19:10,524 --> 00:19:11,817
I'm saying I'm the type of person

388
00:19:11,900 --> 00:19:14,194
Who can make things happen even if I'm not there?

389
00:19:14,278 --> 00:19:16,864
All you gotta do is crack that whip, damn I'll take that trip,

390
00:19:16,947 --> 00:19:18,282
Do you understand what I'm saying?

391
00:19:18,782 --> 00:19:20,325
Look, one thing I learned about women,

392
00:19:20,409 --> 00:19:23,370
Women like it when a man takes control and knows what he's doing.

393
00:19:23,453 --> 00:19:24,580
- Am I right? - Yeah!

394
00:19:24,663 --> 00:19:26,248
I was out of town four or five months ago,

395
00:19:26,331 --> 00:19:28,292
As I was about to go on stage, my wife called me, "Hi, Bruce."

396
00:19:28,375 --> 00:19:30,502
I said, "What's wrong?" "I think I'm having a flat tire."

397
00:19:30,586 --> 00:19:32,588
I said, "How do you know you have a flat tire?"

398
00:19:32,671 --> 00:19:34,298
She said, "My tire pressure light came on."

399
00:19:34,381 --> 00:19:37,759
- I said: "Damn, where are you?" - She said: "I'm on the road."

400
00:19:37,843 --> 00:19:39,553
I said, "Turn up the level and turn up the light."

401
00:19:39,636 --> 00:19:42,472
I said, "Do you have your gun?" I taught him how to shoot.

402
00:19:42,556 --> 00:19:43,390
She said, "I got it."

403
00:19:43,473 --> 00:19:47,019
I said, "Let me call my guy. He has 24-hour customer service. I'll call you later."

404
00:19:47,102 --> 00:19:48,437
I called my son. I said, "Player."

405
00:19:48,520 --> 00:19:50,189
He said, "Talk to me, Pimpin."

406
00:19:51,273 --> 00:19:54,860
I said, "My wife has a flat tire." He said, "Damn, where is he?"

407
00:19:55,861 --> 00:19:56,862
I told him where I was.

408
00:19:56,945 --> 00:19:58,989
He said, "Tell him I'll be there in 15 or 20 minutes."

409
00:19:59,072 --> 00:20:01,992
I called her again. I said, "Honey, he said he'd be here in 15 or 20 minutes,

410
00:20:02,075 --> 00:20:04,077
But in the meantime, I'll keep talking to you.

411
00:20:04,161 --> 00:20:04,995
until I get there."

412
00:20:05,078 --> 00:20:06,330
Do you see what I'm saying?

413
00:20:06,413 --> 00:20:08,415
Because you see, I'm a fucking gamer.

414
00:20:14,504 --> 00:20:16,757
From the Himalayas, you know what I'm saying?

415
00:20:17,257 --> 00:20:19,009
So I'm talking to her and talking to her.

416
00:20:19,092 --> 00:20:21,345
He arrived in a truck, opened the trunk, took out a tire,

417
00:20:21,428 --> 00:20:23,180
I changed the tire, put the old tire back on,

418
00:20:23,263 --> 00:20:25,724
I got to the glass and said, "Are you ready to go?"

419
00:20:25,807 --> 00:20:27,559
She said, "Have you changed the tire yet?"

420
00:20:27,643 --> 00:20:31,396
He said, "Shit. Bruce cracked that whip. Damn, I had to take that trip."

421
00:20:32,522 --> 00:20:34,316
She said, "How much do I owe?" He said, "Nothing."

422
00:20:34,399 --> 00:20:36,568
"He said he would take care of me when I got back to town."

423
00:20:36,652 --> 00:20:40,530
So, ladies, when I talk about control, that's what the fuck I'm talking about.

424
00:20:40,614 --> 00:20:43,242
Do you understand what I'm saying?

425
00:20:43,325 --> 00:20:44,451
So let me tell you something.

426
00:20:44,534 --> 00:20:48,247
Look, I pay all my house bills. It's not to brag. I can just do it.

427
00:20:48,330 --> 00:20:50,207
But if I come up short, that bitch better catch me.

428
00:20:53,794 --> 00:20:56,004
If she doesn't... If she doesn't do it,

429
00:20:56,088 --> 00:20:58,674
I'm going to become a referee in that bastard.

430
00:20:58,757 --> 00:21:00,342
Bitch, you're out of here.

431
00:21:01,802 --> 00:21:02,970
I don't play that shit.

432
00:21:03,971 --> 00:21:07,766
I didn't take recess at school because I don't fucking play.

433
00:21:09,810 --> 00:21:11,103
So let me tell you something.

434
00:21:11,186 --> 00:21:13,105
You see, many of you confused foreplay.

435
00:21:13,188 --> 00:21:15,524
Many of you think that foreplay is something you do before sex.

436
00:21:15,607 --> 00:21:16,900
-Who taught you that? - No.

437
00:21:16,984 --> 00:21:20,112
Many of you think that foreplay involves touching your woman and licking her.

438
00:21:20,195 --> 00:21:22,197
Let me tell you what that's called.

439
00:21:22,281 --> 00:21:24,908
That's called feeling your woman, licking her.

440
00:21:26,868 --> 00:21:30,080
Look, foreplay happens 24 hours a day.

441
00:21:30,622 --> 00:21:33,333
Dealing with your wife daily.

442
00:21:33,417 --> 00:21:36,461
Look, one thing you have to understand about women is that women have mood swings,

443
00:21:36,545 --> 00:21:39,006
And guys, you gotta move with that swing.

444
00:21:39,089 --> 00:21:41,717
Look, you should be so in tune with your woman,

445
00:21:41,800 --> 00:21:43,010
You should know something's wrong

446
00:21:43,093 --> 00:21:45,512
by their body language and facial expression.

447
00:21:45,595 --> 00:21:46,930
He had arrived in the city on a Monday,

448
00:21:47,014 --> 00:21:49,641
My wife, returning from work, frowned. I asked him, "What's wrong?"

449
00:21:49,725 --> 00:21:50,976
"Bruce, I'll tell you right now,

450
00:21:51,059 --> 00:21:53,770
"These people at this job are going to make me fuck their asses."

451
00:21:54,563 --> 00:21:58,191
I said, "Do you need me to go there tomorrow and fuck four or five people?"

452
00:21:58,275 --> 00:22:00,110
I said, "Because you know I would."

453
00:22:00,610 --> 00:22:02,195
She walked away smiling, look.

454
00:22:06,116 --> 00:22:08,243
"You don't have to come down now."

455
00:22:09,578 --> 00:22:11,872
She doesn't realize that I won't be able to get out of the chair.

456
00:22:11,955 --> 00:22:13,165
Do you understand what I'm saying?

457
00:22:13,248 --> 00:22:16,001
But I made her think I'm going to destroy someone's ass.

458
00:22:16,918 --> 00:22:20,255
But what turned her on was that I realized something was wrong.

459
00:22:20,797 --> 00:22:23,550
Ladies, one thing you have to start doing is getting to work.

460
00:22:23,633 --> 00:22:25,260
when it's time to get into that bed now.

461
00:22:25,761 --> 00:22:27,721
You all say, "I don't like doing it like that."

462
00:22:27,804 --> 00:22:29,306
"Well, bitch, you're going to lose."

463
00:22:30,724 --> 00:22:32,517
You are on a losing team.

464
00:22:32,601 --> 00:22:34,227
There are some girls out there ready, prepared.

465
00:22:34,311 --> 00:22:36,271
-All I have to do is say "Go." -Go!

466
00:22:38,774 --> 00:22:41,068
And let me tell you something. Listen to me, guys.

467
00:22:41,151 --> 00:22:43,445
When I tell you that women don't miss anything,

468
00:22:44,821 --> 00:22:46,198
Women see everything.

469
00:22:46,782 --> 00:22:50,952
Many times they don't say anything, but women see everything.

470
00:22:51,036 --> 00:22:53,413
I had to leave Los Angeles once. It was on a night flight.

471
00:22:53,497 --> 00:22:55,457
I will never forget it. It was a Saturday night.

472
00:22:55,540 --> 00:22:58,460
I returned to Atlanta on Sunday morning around 5am.

473
00:22:58,543 --> 00:23:00,420
I went home, went to bed and slept for a couple of hours.

474
00:23:00,504 --> 00:23:01,880
My wife said, "Let's go to church."

475
00:23:01,963 --> 00:23:04,091
I don't have any problem going to church, but the problem I have,

476
00:23:04,174 --> 00:23:06,343
As soon as I arrive at the doors of the church, everything is known.

477
00:23:06,426 --> 00:23:08,261
"Bruce Bruce in the church."

478
00:23:08,345 --> 00:23:10,222
So we sat, people walked by and talked,

479
00:23:10,305 --> 00:23:11,723
"Hello, Bruce Bruce." I said, "Hello."

480
00:23:11,807 --> 00:23:13,350
"Hello, Bruce Bruce." I said, "Hello."

481
00:23:13,433 --> 00:23:15,143
"Hello, Bruce Bruce." I said, "Hello."

482
00:23:15,227 --> 00:23:16,686
"Hello, Bruce Bruce." I said, "Hello."

483
00:23:16,770 --> 00:23:18,397
"Hello, Bruce Bruce." I said, "Hello."

484
00:23:18,480 --> 00:23:22,025
My wife said, "That bitch is stopping by again..."

485
00:23:23,985 --> 00:23:25,654
I said, "Who?" She said, "That bitch over there."

486
00:23:25,737 --> 00:23:29,074
"I already told you. I'm going to drag your stupid ass over here."

487
00:23:30,158 --> 00:23:32,661
I said, "Honey, calm down. You're cursing in church."

488
00:23:32,744 --> 00:23:33,745
"Fuck it."

489
00:23:35,664 --> 00:23:38,125
I said, "You can't drag anyone to church." "Why can't I?"

490
00:23:38,208 --> 00:23:40,877
"First of all, that's the pastor's wife. Don't mess with her."

491
00:23:42,379 --> 00:23:44,923
Hey guys, women look at other men,

492
00:23:45,799 --> 00:23:48,385
but they don't look at men the way men look at women.

493
00:23:48,468 --> 00:23:51,179
Look, when a man sees a beautiful woman, he notices her.

494
00:23:51,263 --> 00:23:53,849
He began to talk to himself, without moving from the spot: "Lord, have mercy."

495
00:23:55,600 --> 00:23:57,686
"Wow! God has been good to that girl."

496
00:23:57,769 --> 00:23:59,438
God is a good God

497
00:24:00,272 --> 00:24:01,606
Look, women are nothing like that.

498
00:24:01,690 --> 00:24:03,650
Women are very discreet in what they do.

499
00:24:03,733 --> 00:24:04,985
This man can be with this woman,

500
00:24:05,068 --> 00:24:07,112
She looked at a man 50 times and you didn't notice.

501
00:24:07,195 --> 00:24:09,448
Do you know why? Because he's not going to stare at it.

502
00:24:09,531 --> 00:24:11,116
But she will look at him every second.

503
00:24:21,710 --> 00:24:23,503
Then he'll act like he's combing his hair,

504
00:24:23,587 --> 00:24:25,338
but she's really looking through her fingers.

505
00:24:27,716 --> 00:24:29,092
Let me tell you something, guys.

506
00:24:29,176 --> 00:24:31,011
There is a way to look at another woman.

507
00:24:31,094 --> 00:24:32,679
While you are with your wife.

508
00:24:32,762 --> 00:24:34,514
I'm going to tell you. Can I tell you?

509
00:24:34,598 --> 00:24:35,974
- Yeah! - I'll tell you something.

510
00:24:36,057 --> 00:24:39,561
Let's say you and your wife left dinner, a movie, or a comedy show.

511
00:24:39,644 --> 00:24:41,938
Get in the car and start driving! Guys, you drive.

512
00:24:42,022 --> 00:24:44,691
You're going down the street. You are approaching a red light.

513
00:24:44,774 --> 00:24:47,277
The traffic light turns red. What are you doing?

514
00:24:47,360 --> 00:24:49,863
When you get to the traffic light you see a beautiful woman on the corner.

515
00:24:49,946 --> 00:24:51,490
What are you doing? You focus on it closely.

516
00:24:51,573 --> 00:24:53,325
Start saying to yourself, "Lord, have mercy."

517
00:24:54,701 --> 00:24:56,703
"Wow! God has been good to that girl."

518
00:24:56,786 --> 00:24:58,371
God is a good God

519
00:24:59,039 --> 00:25:00,040
But you don't realize,

520
00:25:00,123 --> 00:25:02,292
Your wife already saw this bitch two lights back.

521
00:25:02,375 --> 00:25:04,044
Do you understand what I'm saying?

522
00:25:04,836 --> 00:25:07,214
Because you see, women don't miss anything.

523
00:25:08,423 --> 00:25:10,550
So that you look at this woman while you are with your woman,

524
00:25:10,634 --> 00:25:13,261
All you have to do, when the light changes to cross the street,

525
00:25:13,345 --> 00:25:15,722
All you have to do is act like you don't like what she's wearing.

526
00:25:17,140 --> 00:25:18,183
Do it like this.

527
00:25:19,100 --> 00:25:21,144
"Look at that shit this bitch did here."

528
00:25:21,895 --> 00:25:24,022
"If you ever leave the house dressed like that,

529
00:25:24,105 --> 00:25:25,190
"I'm going to kick your ass."

530
00:25:25,273 --> 00:25:26,316
"Look at her!"

531
00:25:27,150 --> 00:25:28,109
"Look at her!"

532
00:25:29,152 --> 00:25:30,153
"Look at her!"

533
00:25:31,112 --> 00:25:32,155
"Look at her!"

534
00:25:32,656 --> 00:25:34,574
"Wow! God has been good to that girl."

535
00:25:34,658 --> 00:25:35,825
"Look at her!"

536
00:25:35,909 --> 00:25:37,661
God is a good God

537
00:25:39,454 --> 00:25:40,622
I'm going to tell you something.

538
00:25:40,705 --> 00:25:43,208
There is a certain thing that women won't do around you for a year.

539
00:25:43,291 --> 00:25:44,793
When they meet you for the first time.

540
00:25:44,876 --> 00:25:45,961
And that's a fart.

541
00:25:47,087 --> 00:25:49,798
Women... Oh, go and date a new woman tomorrow.

542
00:25:49,881 --> 00:25:51,508
Get in your car! Guys, let's drive!

543
00:25:51,591 --> 00:25:53,385
Look there. She looks like this.

544
00:25:56,054 --> 00:25:58,056
You like, "Honey, are you okay?" "Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm."

545
00:25:58,139 --> 00:26:00,350
"My sinuses." It's not your sinuses.

546
00:26:00,433 --> 00:26:01,268
She farted,

547
00:26:01,351 --> 00:26:05,146
but he would let his head explode before doing so.

548
00:26:05,230 --> 00:26:08,358
Men, it's quite the opposite. We got up wanting to drive.

549
00:26:11,278 --> 00:26:14,030
Look at her intently. "I had to let it go. I had to let it go."

550
00:26:14,614 --> 00:26:17,284
Shit, my wife would fart and look at me like I did it.

551
00:26:18,410 --> 00:26:19,786
He walks past me in the hallway.

552
00:26:19,869 --> 00:26:21,621
"Did you hear that?" I said, "I heard something."

553
00:26:22,831 --> 00:26:25,667
He farted a lot once and I didn't know that could happen.

554
00:26:25,750 --> 00:26:28,837
There were three different farts and the last fart was powerful.

555
00:26:28,920 --> 00:26:31,298
So I know he expelled him. Do you know what I'm saying?

556
00:26:31,381 --> 00:26:33,425
He was sitting in the bedroom watching television. She entered.

557
00:26:33,508 --> 00:26:35,802
Damn, damn!

558
00:26:38,263 --> 00:26:40,765
She said, "Did you hear that?" I said, "Bitch, I heard a trumpet."

559
00:26:41,474 --> 00:26:44,227
I said, "I can't believe that came out of your little ass."

560
00:26:52,569 --> 00:26:53,945
And let me tell you something.

561
00:26:54,613 --> 00:26:55,572
And I mean it.

562
00:26:56,406 --> 00:26:58,658
I would say 95%, but it could be 100%.

563
00:26:58,742 --> 00:27:01,036
95% of women love shopping.

564
00:27:01,870 --> 00:27:04,122
It could be 100, but let's say 95%.

565
00:27:04,956 --> 00:27:05,957
Let me tell you something.

566
00:27:06,041 --> 00:27:07,250
I can tell you it's just as good

567
00:27:07,334 --> 00:27:10,378
When my wife is at home looking at clothes, shoes and purses,

568
00:27:10,462 --> 00:27:12,797
I know this because he sounds like Biggie Smalls.

569
00:27:14,049 --> 00:27:15,425
She's online. I'm in the bedroom.

570
00:27:15,508 --> 00:27:17,594
I hear that bastard in the back room...

571
00:27:19,346 --> 00:27:20,680
I'm like, "What the fuck is that?"

572
00:27:23,099 --> 00:27:24,684
"I love it when you..."

573
00:27:24,768 --> 00:27:26,728
I said, "Wait." I said, "What's going on there?"

574
00:27:26,811 --> 00:27:28,980
"I'm here looking at clothes. Don't worry about me."

575
00:27:29,064 --> 00:27:32,942
Let me tell you something, guys. We men are very basic.

576
00:27:33,485 --> 00:27:36,571
Do you know what we have at home to wear? T-shirt, underwear and socks.

577
00:27:37,197 --> 00:27:40,367
We prepare to go somewhere, we put on shirts, pants, shoes.

578
00:27:40,450 --> 00:27:41,701
- Am I right? - That's how it is.

579
00:27:41,785 --> 00:27:43,495
Women have all kinds of shit.

580
00:27:44,204 --> 00:27:46,748
Women had strappy bras and strapless bras.

581
00:27:47,248 --> 00:27:49,876
They have bras to hold the boobs up, bras to hold the boobs down.

582
00:27:51,127 --> 00:27:53,546
They have panties with a line, panties without a line.

583
00:27:53,630 --> 00:27:55,006
Thong type briefs. You've already seen them.

584
00:27:55,090 --> 00:27:57,133
Go up the butt crack. Do you know what I'm talking about?

585
00:27:57,217 --> 00:28:00,011
Then you have panties depending on the time of the month that arrive here.

586
00:28:00,720 --> 00:28:03,223
They have a cord. I know you've seen them.

587
00:28:03,306 --> 00:28:04,891
Made of burlap material.

588
00:28:05,392 --> 00:28:08,853
She came out of the bathroom trying to be sexy, "What's wrong?"

589
00:28:08,937 --> 00:28:11,439
You'd say something like, "Not a damn thing."

590
00:28:11,981 --> 00:28:14,025
And you better not cut my leg on those burlap drawers.

591
00:28:14,109 --> 00:28:15,235
like you did last month.

592
00:28:15,318 --> 00:28:19,739
I'll tell you what, let's say there's a concert coming to town, a musical concert.

593
00:28:20,323 --> 00:28:23,410
- Let's say it's Charlie Wilson. - Wow!

594
00:28:23,493 --> 00:28:25,161
-Keith Sweat. - Yeah!

595
00:28:25,245 --> 00:28:26,871
- Maxwell.- That's right.

596
00:28:26,955 --> 00:28:27,997
Kim.

597
00:28:28,081 --> 00:28:29,791
It's an impressive sight, isn't it?

598
00:28:29,874 --> 00:28:33,420
Women think this is the time to get a completely new outfit.

599
00:28:33,503 --> 00:28:34,629
Do you know what a man is going to do?

600
00:28:34,713 --> 00:28:37,549
We will go to the closet, we will take a shirt, pants and shoes.

601
00:28:37,632 --> 00:28:38,717
We could go get a haircut.

602
00:28:38,800 --> 00:28:41,219
Those who went bald cut their hair. Am I right?

603
00:28:41,302 --> 00:28:44,180
Women are going to get shit from head to toe.

604
00:28:44,681 --> 00:28:48,143
New suit, new bag, new shoes.

605
00:28:48,226 --> 00:28:52,856
Do her hair, nails and feet, put her makeup on, put her eyelashes on.

606
00:28:52,939 --> 00:28:55,692
As soon as he walks through the doors of the concert, the first thing he will say is:

607
00:28:55,775 --> 00:28:57,360
"These whores here hate."

608
00:28:59,529 --> 00:29:01,448
"No one hates you. You got yourself into too much shit."

609
00:29:03,450 --> 00:29:05,076
Now my wife is following me for another bag.

610
00:29:05,160 --> 00:29:07,537
I have a problem with this. People ask me, "Why do you have a problem?"

611
00:29:07,620 --> 00:29:10,331
First, I bought my wife hundreds of purses.

612
00:29:10,415 --> 00:29:11,624
I know it for a fact.

613
00:29:12,208 --> 00:29:15,086
But the problem I have is that my wife makes $100,000 a year.

614
00:29:15,170 --> 00:29:16,921
and don't pay any bills at home.

615
00:29:17,422 --> 00:29:20,884
So I tell her, "If you want a purse, go get it. You've got the damn money."

616
00:29:21,509 --> 00:29:24,471
He said, "Bruce, I saw a bag I like." I said, "Did you do it? Do you like it?"

617
00:29:24,554 --> 00:29:25,764
"Oh, I love it."

618
00:29:25,847 --> 00:29:28,016
I said, "Take your... go get it."

619
00:29:28,558 --> 00:29:30,977
She said, "I don't want to buy it. I want you to buy it."

620
00:29:31,060 --> 00:29:32,562
"Well, bitch, you're in trouble."

621
00:29:34,689 --> 00:29:37,108
And the particular bag she wants is called a Birkin bag.

622
00:29:37,192 --> 00:29:41,404
Now, if anyone doesn't know what that is, the starting price of a Birkin bag is $20,000.

623
00:29:41,488 --> 00:29:43,823
They range from 20,000 to 150,000.

624
00:29:43,907 --> 00:29:47,160
I'm not telling you what I heard. I tell you what I know.

625
00:29:47,243 --> 00:29:48,286
Do you understand what I'm saying?

626
00:29:48,369 --> 00:29:49,621
My wife loves going to Las Vegas.

627
00:29:49,704 --> 00:29:51,956
So we finished talking and she left the house.

628
00:29:52,040 --> 00:29:54,584
So I took the liberty of counting their wallets.

629
00:29:54,667 --> 00:29:57,253
Then people say, "Why are you doing that?" First of all, I bought them.

630
00:29:58,004 --> 00:29:59,839
I went in there. I counted three Michael Kors.

631
00:29:59,923 --> 00:30:01,633
Do you know Michael Kors? Three Michael Kors.

632
00:30:01,716 --> 00:30:04,469
I counted three Versaces. You know Versace, right? Three Versaces.

633
00:30:04,552 --> 00:30:07,722
You won't believe it. This bastard had 49 Guccis.

634
00:30:07,806 --> 00:30:08,848
Oh.

635
00:30:08,932 --> 00:30:10,558
Real shit, not fake shit.

636
00:30:10,642 --> 00:30:12,060
Fifty-seven Louis Vuitton.

637
00:30:12,602 --> 00:30:16,856
I instantly became madder than a goat because I'm the idiot who bought them.

638
00:30:19,442 --> 00:30:22,487
Do you know what I mean? I was online looking at things.

639
00:30:22,570 --> 00:30:24,948
She said, "Bruce, you know what? You have the weekend off."

640
00:30:25,031 --> 00:30:27,116
"Why don't we get out and go to Las Vegas?"

641
00:30:27,200 --> 00:30:28,701
And just, you know, hang out?”

642
00:30:28,785 --> 00:30:30,662
I said, "Who the fuck is on the loose in Las Vegas?"

643
00:30:31,412 --> 00:30:32,914
I said, "No, I'll put something in there."

644
00:30:32,997 --> 00:30:36,292
"My manager and I will put something in there. We just won't put anything in there."

645
00:30:36,376 --> 00:30:39,796
She said, "I called your manager." He said they wouldn't put anything there.

646
00:30:39,879 --> 00:30:42,715
I told him, "You didn't call my manager because that bastard works for me."

647
00:30:44,425 --> 00:30:46,511
And what do we do? We're going to Las Vegas.

648
00:30:46,594 --> 00:30:48,721
You know, and he loves staying at Caesars Palace.

649
00:30:48,805 --> 00:30:50,390
But let me tell you a little secret.

650
00:30:50,473 --> 00:30:53,560
All major Las Vegas hotels have a shopping center on their premises.

651
00:30:54,185 --> 00:30:55,937
From the Aria, MGM Grand, Planet Hollywood,

652
00:30:56,020 --> 00:30:57,939
Venetian, Palazzo, Cosmopolitan, Caesars Palace.

653
00:30:58,022 --> 00:30:59,607
My wife loves Caesars Palace.

654
00:30:59,691 --> 00:31:02,235
So we're going to Las Vegas. I rent a one-bedroom suite.

655
00:31:02,318 --> 00:31:05,822
It came with a 24-hour maid, butler and chef.

656
00:31:05,905 --> 00:31:07,532
Before we left, the chef called me and said:

657
00:31:07,615 --> 00:31:09,784
"Mr. Bruce, I know you'll be on a five-hour flight."

658
00:31:09,868 --> 00:31:11,786
"I know you won't eat anything on the plane."

659
00:31:11,870 --> 00:31:14,747
"I'll give you something to eat when you get there. What would you like?"

660
00:31:14,831 --> 00:31:18,543
I said, "We'd like some grilled salmon."

661
00:31:18,626 --> 00:31:21,880
with some grilled asparagus with some purple potatoes

662
00:31:22,630 --> 00:31:25,300
and some French-cut garlic toast."

663
00:31:25,383 --> 00:31:27,135
So, man, we flew to Las Vegas.

664
00:31:27,218 --> 00:31:28,303
We arrived in Las Vegas.

665
00:31:28,386 --> 00:31:31,472
We land. We arrived at the baggage claim area and arrived at the hotel.

666
00:31:31,556 --> 00:31:34,183
He left everything ready. I was in the room. Let's have dinner!

667
00:31:34,267 --> 00:31:36,019
He said, "What time would you like to have breakfast?"

668
00:31:36,102 --> 00:31:38,187
I said, "I'd like to have breakfast at 8:30."

669
00:31:38,271 --> 00:31:41,107
He came and made breakfast. Wow, I'm done eating breakfast.

670
00:31:41,190 --> 00:31:44,193
My wife and I, as soon as I finish eating, she's standing there looking at me.

671
00:31:45,987 --> 00:31:47,363
I said, "What's wrong with you?"

672
00:31:47,447 --> 00:31:49,198
"Let's walk through the mall."

673
00:31:49,991 --> 00:31:51,326
I said, "For what?"

674
00:31:51,409 --> 00:31:53,995
"We don't have to buy anything. We'll just watch."

675
00:31:54,078 --> 00:31:56,664
All women tell the same damn lie.

676
00:31:57,248 --> 00:31:59,876
And I should have known what was happening. I didn't pay attention.

677
00:31:59,959 --> 00:32:01,377
She already knows what's in that mall.

678
00:32:01,461 --> 00:32:04,088
'Because she's online looking at things all the time.

679
00:32:04,172 --> 00:32:05,256
We're walking through the mall.

680
00:32:05,340 --> 00:32:08,468
I'm walking behind her and I look like a stupid kid.

681
00:32:08,551 --> 00:32:09,636
So we made this twist.

682
00:32:09,719 --> 00:32:12,597
She said, "Oh, there are some Birkin bags."

683
00:32:12,680 --> 00:32:14,682
She knew exactly where they were.

684
00:32:14,766 --> 00:32:17,518
So I played dumb. I said, "Where, where? I don't see them. Where?"

685
00:32:18,102 --> 00:32:19,520
She said, "Right there."

686
00:32:19,604 --> 00:32:22,732
We headed because the suitcases were closed. They weren't outside. They were closed.

687
00:32:22,815 --> 00:32:24,817
So we got there. We are looking at the bags.

688
00:32:24,901 --> 00:32:28,071
And the seller suddenly appeared. He said, "Hello."

689
00:32:29,530 --> 00:32:31,324
"How are you?"

690
00:32:31,407 --> 00:32:34,202
My wife said, "Can I see that bag?" He was talking about "Great choice."

691
00:32:34,285 --> 00:32:36,245
I said, "This woman is trying to sell this bag."

692
00:32:36,329 --> 00:32:37,872
Then he started showing the bag to my wife.

693
00:32:37,956 --> 00:32:40,166
I started to zone out as if I was doing something else.

694
00:32:40,249 --> 00:32:41,459
Do you know what I'm saying?

695
00:32:41,542 --> 00:32:43,836
About ten minutes passed and my wife said, "Bruce, come here."

696
00:32:43,920 --> 00:32:45,505
I said, "What?" "Come here."

697
00:32:45,588 --> 00:32:48,007
"I want to show you something." I said, "What do you have to show me?"

698
00:32:48,091 --> 00:32:49,968
"How do you like this bag here?"

699
00:32:50,051 --> 00:32:52,220
I said, "I don't give a damn about this bag."

700
00:32:52,845 --> 00:32:54,097
I said, "I don't have a bag."

701
00:32:54,180 --> 00:32:57,100
And I said, "That bag over there is ugly as hell."

702
00:32:57,183 --> 00:32:59,185
And I knew it was a Birkin bag. Do you understand what I'm saying?

703
00:32:59,268 --> 00:33:02,271
Then the salesman says, "Excuse me."

704
00:33:03,189 --> 00:33:05,900
I said, "Go ahead, player. You don't even know me now."

705
00:33:05,984 --> 00:33:08,444
I said, "I'll punch you in the mouth and fuck up your sex life."

706
00:33:09,570 --> 00:33:11,531
Write it down. I'll save it.

707
00:33:11,614 --> 00:33:13,700
Write it down. I'll save it.

708
00:33:18,579 --> 00:33:21,290
So by now, he was madder than a goat.

709
00:33:21,374 --> 00:33:22,875
I look at the bag and say, "Man,

710
00:33:22,959 --> 00:33:25,378
Is this the price or UPC code for this bag?

711
00:33:25,461 --> 00:33:29,215
He said, "It's the price." That bastard cost $21,800.

712
00:33:29,757 --> 00:33:31,843
Then I started thinking and said, "$21,800."

713
00:33:31,926 --> 00:33:34,679
"When you add taxes, it will be $22,300."

714
00:33:34,762 --> 00:33:36,723
Do you know what I'm saying? I ask myself.

715
00:33:36,806 --> 00:33:39,517
As soon as I finish thinking, my wife looks right at me.

716
00:33:40,977 --> 00:33:44,355
"Bruce, I want this bag so much."

717
00:33:44,856 --> 00:33:47,483
I said, "I know, baby, but look, this motherfucker costs $22,000."

718
00:33:47,567 --> 00:33:50,403
I said, "I can buy a car, resell it and make $22,000."

719
00:33:50,486 --> 00:33:52,155
I said, "You're not taking it with you."

720
00:33:52,238 --> 00:33:54,198
"As soon as you leave it, someone will steal it from you."

721
00:33:54,282 --> 00:33:57,952
"But I want this bag so much."

722
00:33:58,036 --> 00:34:00,038
I said, "Honey, I love you with all my heart. I really do."

723
00:34:00,121 --> 00:34:02,540
I said, "But look, you make $100,000 a year."

724
00:34:03,166 --> 00:34:05,209
"No bill is paid at home."

725
00:34:05,293 --> 00:34:07,295
"Raise your card and receive it."

726
00:34:08,337 --> 00:34:10,840
She said, "I don't want to buy it."

727
00:34:10,923 --> 00:34:12,425
Well, bitch, me neither.

728
00:34:15,344 --> 00:34:16,387
Then she used her power on me.

729
00:34:16,471 --> 00:34:20,016
"You know, my birthday is coming up, our anniversary, Christmas."

730
00:34:20,099 --> 00:34:22,310
"Valentine's Day is just around the corner."

731
00:34:22,393 --> 00:34:25,772
"I want this bag so much."

732
00:34:25,855 --> 00:34:28,441
I looked at her and said, "Look, do you want the bag?"

733
00:34:29,067 --> 00:34:31,861
"Damn, you can get the bag."

734
00:34:31,944 --> 00:34:34,072
She looked at me and said, "Really?"

735
00:34:34,155 --> 00:34:37,241
I told her, "Yeah, bitch, if you steal it it's because it's the only way."

736
00:34:41,162 --> 00:34:43,539
She's madder than a motherfucker, Kool-Aid face.

737
00:34:44,749 --> 00:34:47,168
Everyone has to understand that it's not like it didn't get her anywhere.

738
00:34:47,251 --> 00:34:48,252
I took her everywhere.

739
00:34:48,336 --> 00:34:49,378
I took her to Japan.

740
00:34:49,462 --> 00:34:51,964
I took her to China, I took her to Germany, I took her to Dubai.

741
00:34:52,048 --> 00:34:54,050
And when I'm in those countries, I spend money.

742
00:34:54,133 --> 00:34:57,136
Now she has a bag, which comes from Japan. They don't even sell them in the United States.

743
00:34:57,220 --> 00:34:59,597
There is a Japanese designer there who is very popular.

744
00:34:59,680 --> 00:35:03,559
You know, you buy the bag, you have to get the wallet, the keychain,

745
00:35:03,643 --> 00:35:04,852
Bag jewelry.

746
00:35:05,520 --> 00:35:07,355
Know? It has his initials hanging.

747
00:35:07,438 --> 00:35:10,024
So the guy who sold the bag is going to worry about something in Japanese.

748
00:35:10,108 --> 00:35:11,359
Talking about it means "love."

749
00:35:14,112 --> 00:35:16,781
We return to Atlanta. We went to a hibachi restaurant.

750
00:35:16,864 --> 00:35:19,117
Everyone says, "Oh, fried rice with shrimp in your..."

751
00:35:21,327 --> 00:35:23,579
Bitch, this motherfucker don't mean "love."

752
00:35:26,415 --> 00:35:31,754
I had to go to Paris, and she couldn't. He said, "I wish I could get off work."

753
00:35:31,838 --> 00:35:34,090
I said, "I know you can't go, but when I get there,

754
00:35:34,173 --> 00:35:37,218
"I'll call you on FaceTime and we'll walk down the street together."

755
00:35:37,718 --> 00:35:39,220
She said, "That's not the same."

756
00:35:39,303 --> 00:35:41,389
I said, "That's as close as you're going to get."

757
00:35:41,472 --> 00:35:44,100
Flight to Paris. I get there and as soon as I got off the plane,

758
00:35:44,183 --> 00:35:45,852
"Mr. Bruce, your room is not ready."

759
00:35:45,935 --> 00:35:48,396
Would you like to see Paris for an hour, an hour and a half?

760
00:35:48,479 --> 00:35:49,355
I said, "No, take me."

761
00:35:49,438 --> 00:35:51,732
"Where they're introducing all the new clothes and shoes."

762
00:35:51,816 --> 00:35:54,318
They have to think about it. I keep thinking about my wife.

763
00:35:54,402 --> 00:35:57,738
He took me to the warehouse. There was Gucci, Versace, Louis Vuitton.

764
00:35:57,822 --> 00:35:59,532
I stopped at this shoe display.

765
00:35:59,615 --> 00:36:02,326
They called them Christian Louboutin shoes.

766
00:36:02,410 --> 00:36:03,452
Red backgrounds.

767
00:36:03,536 --> 00:36:05,288
I know everyone knows they are not cheap.

768
00:36:05,788 --> 00:36:08,624
I'm sitting here looking at them. I said, "My wife has several pairs."

769
00:36:08,708 --> 00:36:11,085
I guess I'll buy a pair and take them back.

770
00:36:11,169 --> 00:36:14,922
You know, I see them on sale. When they are on sale, they cost $800 or $900.

771
00:36:15,006 --> 00:36:15,923
Do you know what I'm saying?

772
00:36:16,007 --> 00:36:17,758
I look at the shoes and say to myself:

773
00:36:17,842 --> 00:36:20,469
I said, "I know she wants a pair. She wears a size eight."

774
00:36:20,553 --> 00:36:23,890
She likes six-inch heels. That's how in tune I am with this shit.

775
00:36:23,973 --> 00:36:25,558
So when I finish thinking,

776
00:36:25,641 --> 00:36:28,477
I think the same guy who worked in Vegas surprised me.

777
00:36:30,021 --> 00:36:31,189
"Hello."

778
00:36:32,398 --> 00:36:33,900
"How are you?"

779
00:36:33,983 --> 00:36:36,360
I said, "Damn, didn't I see you just a month ago?"

780
00:36:36,444 --> 00:36:39,363
He said, "I noticed you were looking at the shoes." I said, "My wife likes them."

781
00:36:39,447 --> 00:36:41,824
I said, "I got you some pairs." And I said, "They're not cheap."

782
00:36:41,908 --> 00:36:44,452
I said, "I'm going to try to get some. I'm going to get a couple."

783
00:36:44,535 --> 00:36:46,370
"I'm here to do the show and I'm leaving."

784
00:36:46,454 --> 00:36:48,247
He looked at me and said, "Oh my God."

785
00:36:48,331 --> 00:36:51,792
He said, "Are you Bruce Bruce?" I said, "Yes, I am."

786
00:36:51,876 --> 00:36:56,214
He said, "I'm trying to get tickets to your show. They're completely sold out."

787
00:36:56,839 --> 00:36:59,467
I'm being cordial. I said, "Do you want tickets? I'll get you a pair."

788
00:36:59,550 --> 00:37:02,887
Now I'm talking to this guy without realizing who he is.

789
00:37:02,970 --> 00:37:06,807
He was the owner and designer of Christian Louboutin shoes.

790
00:37:06,891 --> 00:37:09,310
This guy is filthy rich.

791
00:37:09,393 --> 00:37:12,063
He looked me straight in the eyes and said, "I'm in a good mood today."

792
00:37:12,146 --> 00:37:15,816
"And if your wife likes these shoes, choose the ones she wants."

793
00:37:16,317 --> 00:37:17,860
I say, "free?"

794
00:37:19,946 --> 00:37:22,156
He said, "Yes." I said, "How many pairs can you get?"

795
00:37:22,657 --> 00:37:24,825
That mug said, "How many pairs do you want?"

796
00:37:24,909 --> 00:37:28,204
I said, "Wait. Let me call my wife. I need her approval."

797
00:37:28,287 --> 00:37:30,581
"She says I pick out ugly things, so let me call her."

798
00:37:30,665 --> 00:37:33,501
Everyone has to understand it. I'm in Paris.

799
00:37:33,584 --> 00:37:36,420
There is a different time zone in Paris and in the United States.

800
00:37:36,504 --> 00:37:38,881
It's 3:30 in the morning, Atlanta time.

801
00:37:38,965 --> 00:37:39,882
My wife called...

802
00:37:39,966 --> 00:37:41,842
She answered the phone with a direct attitude.

803
00:37:41,926 --> 00:37:44,011
'Because I woke her up.

804
00:37:44,595 --> 00:37:46,472
She answered the phone like this: "Hello?"

805
00:37:46,973 --> 00:37:48,766
I say, "Bitch, calm down."

806
00:37:50,309 --> 00:37:51,686
"I have something I want to show you."

807
00:37:51,769 --> 00:37:54,647
"What the fuck do you have to show me at 3:30 in the morning?"

808
00:37:54,730 --> 00:37:56,983
I said, "Well, they have these Christian Louboutin shoes."

809
00:37:57,066 --> 00:37:58,484
She said, "Christian Louboutin?"

810
00:38:06,117 --> 00:38:08,869
I said, "Look, before I show you these shoes,

811
00:38:08,953 --> 00:38:11,414
"I'm getting these shoes at a really good price."

812
00:38:13,958 --> 00:38:14,917
"So when I get home,

813
00:38:15,001 --> 00:38:18,004
You have to work that ass like you've never worked before."

814
00:38:18,879 --> 00:38:21,382
"I'm going to work that ass. Don't worry. Show me your shoes."

815
00:38:21,465 --> 00:38:23,050
That bastard already woke up.

816
00:38:23,676 --> 00:38:26,262
I did a video call and he was like, “Oh, Bruce, this is a really bad motherfucker.”

817
00:38:29,390 --> 00:38:30,266
I return there.

818
00:38:30,349 --> 00:38:33,853
He said, "What did you choose?" I said, "Well, he picked out ten pairs."

819
00:38:34,895 --> 00:38:36,480
He said, "Is that all?"

820
00:38:37,189 --> 00:38:39,108
I said, "Are you telling me I could have gotten more?"

821
00:38:39,191 --> 00:38:40,443
He said, "Yes."

822
00:38:40,526 --> 00:38:42,361
He said, "I'll tell you what I'll do for you."

823
00:38:42,445 --> 00:38:45,114
He said: "I have two exclusive pairs, which will not be sold in the United States."

824
00:38:45,197 --> 00:38:47,450
"They will only be sold in Europe. They are collector's items."

825
00:38:47,533 --> 00:38:49,869
He said, "I'm going to give you those two and the ten you choose."

826
00:38:50,453 --> 00:38:53,456
So the total was around $18,000.

827
00:38:54,165 --> 00:38:55,333
I looked him straight in the eyes.

828
00:38:55,416 --> 00:38:57,460
I said, "How many tickets do you say you need to show?"

829
00:38:59,420 --> 00:39:01,422
"Because I'm going to give you what you want."

830
00:39:01,505 --> 00:39:04,050
Man, I had shoes packed for me and everything.

831
00:39:04,133 --> 00:39:05,384
He showed up with his friend.

832
00:39:05,468 --> 00:39:08,012
I'm talking about something like four convertible Phantoms.

833
00:39:08,095 --> 00:39:09,555
This bastard has money.

834
00:39:09,638 --> 00:39:13,267
Man, I did the show. It turned out well. Return flight. I enter the house.

835
00:39:13,351 --> 00:39:15,728
My wife didn't ask me, "How was your flight?"

836
00:39:18,230 --> 00:39:19,607
How was your show?

837
00:39:20,566 --> 00:39:21,650
"Where are the shoes?"

838
00:39:23,903 --> 00:39:25,196
I say, "Fuck those shoes."

839
00:39:25,279 --> 00:39:27,740
"You need to go up and take those panties off, damn it."

840
00:39:28,240 --> 00:39:30,576
"It's time to go to work in there. Do you hear me?"

841
00:39:30,659 --> 00:39:33,162
"Get your ass up." We go up. We get naked.

842
00:39:33,245 --> 00:39:34,663
You would be proud of me.

843
00:39:35,331 --> 00:39:37,416
I don't know if he put a motor on his hips or what,

844
00:39:37,500 --> 00:39:39,502
but that bastard got to work, you hear me?

845
00:39:39,585 --> 00:39:42,630
She said, "Let me get on." I said, "Damn, put me up."

846
00:39:43,130 --> 00:39:46,217
Man, that bastard went to ride that thing.

847
00:39:46,300 --> 00:39:47,259
I'm in bed.

848
00:39:51,931 --> 00:39:53,474
I love it when you call me Grande--

849
00:39:55,309 --> 00:39:57,353
Throw your hands in the air

850
00:40:00,689 --> 00:40:02,274
Let me tell you something, man.

851
00:40:02,942 --> 00:40:04,151
And all of you listen to me.

852
00:40:04,652 --> 00:40:08,531
All the women who are here and who have these girls, daughters, daughters, you know,

853
00:40:08,614 --> 00:40:10,241
You teach your daughters how to get a man,

854
00:40:10,324 --> 00:40:12,159
but teach your daughters how to keep a man.

855
00:40:12,660 --> 00:40:16,997
My daughter is 39 years old and has been married for 18 years. Do you understand what I'm saying?

856
00:40:17,081 --> 00:40:18,791
- Good husband, I have three children. - Yeah!

857
00:40:18,874 --> 00:40:21,085
Yes. Yes, she is a good girl.

858
00:40:23,712 --> 00:40:26,590
So she lives in Charlotte, so she likes to come to my house.

859
00:40:26,674 --> 00:40:28,300
She, her husband, three children because I cook.

860
00:40:28,384 --> 00:40:30,719
I used to be a chef. I can... I'm a bad guy in that kitchen.

861
00:40:30,803 --> 00:40:31,679
Do you know what I'm saying?

862
00:40:31,762 --> 00:40:33,889
So we were in the kitchen and I was cooking some things.

863
00:40:33,973 --> 00:40:35,683
I looked at my daughter because I talk to her.

864
00:40:35,766 --> 00:40:37,560
I don't talk to her. I talk to her.

865
00:40:38,144 --> 00:40:40,146
I said, "Are you taking care of your husband?"

866
00:40:40,813 --> 00:40:41,730
She said, "Yes, dad."

867
00:40:41,814 --> 00:40:44,483
I said, "No, are you taking care of your husband?"

868
00:40:45,317 --> 00:40:46,152
She said, "Yes."

869
00:40:46,235 --> 00:40:49,405
I said, "No, are you taking care of your husband?"

870
00:40:49,488 --> 00:40:50,865
She said, "What are you talking about?"

871
00:40:50,948 --> 00:40:53,033
I said, "Do you drive that thing like you're supposed to?"

872
00:40:54,452 --> 00:40:57,246
She said, "Dad!" I told him, "Don't call me 'dad'. You have three children."

873
00:40:57,329 --> 00:40:58,664
"You know what I'm talking about."

874
00:40:59,540 --> 00:41:01,292
Man, her husband called me three days later.

875
00:41:01,375 --> 00:41:03,127
He said, "Man, I love you so much."

876
00:41:07,089 --> 00:41:08,466
You have to talk to them.

877
00:41:08,966 --> 00:41:10,926
Don't talk to them. Talk to them.

878
00:41:11,010 --> 00:41:12,261
- Am I right? - Yeah.

879
00:41:12,344 --> 00:41:14,430
I'll tell you something. I no longer lend money.

880
00:41:14,513 --> 00:41:17,016
I... I'm so tired of people not paying me.

881
00:41:17,099 --> 00:41:19,768
But as soon as they lend you money, they want the money back.

882
00:41:20,269 --> 00:41:21,103
Do you know what I'm saying?

883
00:41:21,187 --> 00:41:24,106
"Are you calling me for that little money?" "It wasn't small when I gave it."

884
00:41:26,400 --> 00:41:30,279
The girl I dated a long time ago, man, she never paid me.

885
00:41:30,362 --> 00:41:32,114
He called me and asked, "How are you?"

886
00:41:32,198 --> 00:41:34,533
"You know, I haven't heard from you in a long time."

887
00:41:34,617 --> 00:41:36,285
I said, "This heifer wants something."

888
00:41:36,785 --> 00:41:38,162
She wants something.

889
00:41:38,245 --> 00:41:39,705
And now she has found Jesus.

890
00:41:39,788 --> 00:41:43,083
So now, you know, yeah, "God's been good. Oh, hallelujah."

891
00:41:43,167 --> 00:41:44,084
I said, "Look."

892
00:41:45,753 --> 00:41:49,173
She said, "I got this new job and everything,

893
00:41:49,924 --> 00:41:51,926
and everything is going very well."

894
00:41:52,009 --> 00:41:53,802
"But I'm trying to buy a car."

895
00:41:53,886 --> 00:41:56,805
"And I was wondering if you could lend me the money to buy a car."

896
00:41:56,889 --> 00:41:59,683
I told him, "Look, every time I lend you money, you never pay it back."

897
00:41:59,767 --> 00:42:03,521
"No, I'm going to give it back to you. God is my... Oh, glory to God," you know.

898
00:42:03,604 --> 00:42:06,565
So she found... She found Jesus. Do you know what I'm saying?

899
00:42:06,649 --> 00:42:08,567
And I said, "No, I'm not going to mess with that."

900
00:42:08,651 --> 00:42:09,652
"You never pay me."

901
00:42:09,735 --> 00:42:11,237
"But just out of curiosity, how much do you need?"

902
00:42:11,320 --> 00:42:13,447
She said, "I don't need more than $2,500."

903
00:42:13,531 --> 00:42:17,743
I said, "If it's only $2,500, you should only have $2,500."

904
00:42:18,452 --> 00:42:20,204
So I told him no.

905
00:42:20,287 --> 00:42:22,831
So she kept insisting, insisting, insisting. About two or three weeks passed.

906
00:42:22,915 --> 00:42:25,167
"I need you to lend me money," I said, "I'll try."

907
00:42:25,251 --> 00:42:26,418
Do you know what I'm saying?

908
00:42:26,502 --> 00:42:29,505
I lent him the money. It was in April. It was in April.

909
00:42:29,588 --> 00:42:31,757
I said, "Look, don't start paying me until August."

910
00:42:31,840 --> 00:42:34,927
I said, "Just give me $100 a month." Do you know what I'm saying?

911
00:42:35,010 --> 00:42:39,473
"So you have April, May, June, July, August."

912
00:42:39,557 --> 00:42:41,642
So I said, "Well, I'm not going to worry about that."

913
00:42:41,725 --> 00:42:43,727
Man, September is here and I've thought about it.

914
00:42:43,811 --> 00:42:45,563
I said, "She's supposed to pay me this money."

915
00:42:45,646 --> 00:42:47,064
"Start paying me money in August."

916
00:42:47,147 --> 00:42:49,066
I'm talking to myself. Do you know what I'm saying?

917
00:42:49,149 --> 00:42:53,279
And I called her and, uh, it was a totally different attitude.

918
00:42:53,988 --> 00:42:55,239
Jesus was gone.

919
00:42:57,616 --> 00:42:58,909
I said, "Hello?" "Hello."

920
00:42:59,743 --> 00:43:01,787
I said, "How are you?" "I'm fine. How are you?"

921
00:43:02,288 --> 00:43:04,748
I said, "Look, I was sitting here thinking about..."

922
00:43:04,832 --> 00:43:07,626
I said, "You were supposed to start paying me $100 a month in August."

923
00:43:07,710 --> 00:43:08,961
"I thought if you had a problem,

924
00:43:09,044 --> 00:43:11,380
"You would call me and let me know that you have a problem or a situation."

925
00:43:11,463 --> 00:43:13,966
"You just had to call," he said, "I don't have your money."

926
00:43:14,049 --> 00:43:15,968
"I'm not going to give it to you. What are you going to do?"

927
00:43:17,511 --> 00:43:19,179
I said, "What happened to Jesus?"

928
00:43:21,181 --> 00:43:22,933
"Well, I..." I said, "Well, I'll tell you what."

929
00:43:23,017 --> 00:43:25,686
I told him, "I told you you weren't going to give me that money back."

930
00:43:25,769 --> 00:43:27,062
I said, "Don't worry about it."

931
00:43:27,563 --> 00:43:31,442
I said, "I've earned that $2,500 100,000 times. Don't even worry."

932
00:43:31,525 --> 00:43:34,570
I said, "But trust me when I tell you that you'll need me again."

933
00:43:35,070 --> 00:43:37,364
Do you know what I'm saying? You'll need me again.

934
00:43:37,448 --> 00:43:38,741
And behold, all of you,

935
00:43:39,450 --> 00:43:42,161
About two and a half years later, she called me back.

936
00:43:42,661 --> 00:43:43,996
She is back with Jesus.

937
00:43:46,957 --> 00:43:49,168
"How are you?" I said "How are you?"

938
00:43:49,251 --> 00:43:51,629
"You know, I just wanted to call and apologize."

939
00:43:52,129 --> 00:43:56,258
"I didn't do you good and I didn't do the right thing."

940
00:43:56,342 --> 00:43:57,718
"I should have given you your money back."

941
00:43:57,801 --> 00:43:59,928
I said, "I didn't worry about it. I dismissed it."

942
00:44:00,012 --> 00:44:01,555
"Don't worry. How have you been?"

943
00:44:01,639 --> 00:44:03,974
I speak to him as if I were worried.

944
00:44:04,850 --> 00:44:05,768
I said, "How have you been?"

945
00:44:05,851 --> 00:44:07,394
"I've been good, but what happened?

946
00:44:07,478 --> 00:44:10,314
"I find myself in a situation and I need your help."

947
00:44:10,397 --> 00:44:11,732
I said, "Help for what?"

948
00:44:11,815 --> 00:44:14,234
She said, "I'm about to lose my house." I said, "What?"

949
00:44:14,735 --> 00:44:16,779
"Are they going to kick you out of your house?" She said, "Yes."

950
00:44:16,862 --> 00:44:20,115
"But God will make it happen. God will work in my favor."

951
00:44:20,199 --> 00:44:22,326
"Yes it is." I said, "I know."

952
00:44:22,409 --> 00:44:24,912
I said, "How much did it cost you to get your house back?"

953
00:44:24,995 --> 00:44:27,206
She said, "It's only $3,500."

954
00:44:27,790 --> 00:44:30,626
I said, "$3,500?" I said, "That's not fucking money."

955
00:44:30,709 --> 00:44:33,712
She said, "Yes, if you can help me this time, I would really appreciate it."

956
00:44:33,796 --> 00:44:35,714
I said, "Let me ask you a question."

957
00:44:36,256 --> 00:44:38,592
I said, "Have you ever been picked on?"

958
00:44:45,808 --> 00:44:46,892
She said, "No."

959
00:44:46,975 --> 00:44:48,352
I said, "Bitch, get ready."

960
00:44:54,817 --> 00:44:57,027
Instantly, "Black bastard." "Alright".

961
00:44:58,362 --> 00:44:59,988
"I have $3,500. You don't."

962
00:45:01,407 --> 00:45:04,076
I worked at Frito-Lay. Does anyone know Frito-Lay?

963
00:45:04,702 --> 00:45:07,663
My God. Man, I used to sell one bag and eat three.

964
00:45:09,415 --> 00:45:10,749
Every month I fell short.

965
00:45:10,833 --> 00:45:12,751
I said, "Damn, someone's robbing me."

966
00:45:14,920 --> 00:45:16,880
Damned if I wasn't stealing from myself.

967
00:45:17,965 --> 00:45:21,176
But I'm tired of all of you getting these good jobs.

968
00:45:21,260 --> 00:45:22,886
"Oh, that's a good job."

969
00:45:22,970 --> 00:45:25,472
If you have something you want to do in life, you better do it.

970
00:45:25,973 --> 00:45:27,766
You better have some birthdays.

971
00:45:27,850 --> 00:45:29,852
I remember wanting to quit my job at Frito-Lay.

972
00:45:29,935 --> 00:45:31,895
Everybody: "Man, don't give up that good job."

973
00:45:31,979 --> 00:45:33,355
"It's a good job."

974
00:45:34,356 --> 00:45:37,317
And the only person who made any sense was my mother when she was alive.

975
00:45:37,401 --> 00:45:39,278
I said, "Mom, I want to quit my job."

976
00:45:39,361 --> 00:45:42,030
I'm like, "And I want to start doing comedy full time."

977
00:45:42,114 --> 00:45:44,366
She said, "Well, you can always get another job."

978
00:45:44,450 --> 00:45:46,326
I didn't think about it like that.

979
00:45:46,410 --> 00:45:47,995
She said, "You're no fool."

980
00:45:48,495 --> 00:45:49,455
I'm like, "Damn."

981
00:45:50,205 --> 00:45:53,208
And man, let me tell you, I went there the next morning,

982
00:45:53,792 --> 00:45:55,294
take a 30 day leave

983
00:45:55,377 --> 00:45:57,463
I acted like I was going through something.

984
00:45:58,547 --> 00:46:00,924
When they approved it, my supervisor said to me, "Are you coming back?"

985
00:46:01,008 --> 00:46:03,135
I said, "Boy, I want you to take a good look at me."

986
00:46:04,386 --> 00:46:07,014
I said, "Next time you see my face, I'll be on TV."

987
00:46:08,599 --> 00:46:10,893
And I haven't worked that job in 36 years.

988
00:46:15,856 --> 00:46:17,775
And I'll tell you something, man.

989
00:46:17,858 --> 00:46:22,613
You know, like... like grandparents, like my grandfather, he was very bad.

990
00:46:22,696 --> 00:46:24,031
I told you everything.

991
00:46:24,114 --> 00:46:26,325
But you know, they always tell you the right thing to do.

992
00:46:26,408 --> 00:46:28,327
but they always do the wrong thing.

993
00:46:28,410 --> 00:46:31,663
My grandfather died and 15 children appeared out of nowhere. What the fuck?

994
00:46:33,081 --> 00:46:35,083
"That's my daddy. That's my daddy."

995
00:46:35,167 --> 00:46:37,669
I'm talking about I had to make sure he was dead.

996
00:46:37,753 --> 00:46:38,587
I'm not lying.

997
00:46:39,213 --> 00:46:41,215
I was at home... I shook my ass at him, "Grandpa."

998
00:46:42,800 --> 00:46:43,675
"Grandfather."

999
00:46:44,176 --> 00:46:46,386
My cousin said, "Is he dead?" I said, "He's dead."

1000
00:46:46,887 --> 00:46:48,430
My grandfather, I'm going to tell you something.

1001
00:46:48,514 --> 00:46:50,349
That mother had a penis approximately this length.

1002
00:46:50,933 --> 00:46:53,352
I couldn't believe it. I'm about ten years old. My grandmother said:

1003
00:46:53,435 --> 00:46:56,271
"Go bathe your grandfather." I say, "Bathe a man?"

1004
00:46:56,355 --> 00:46:58,565
"What kind of shit is that?" Man, I'm going into the bathroom.

1005
00:46:58,649 --> 00:47:00,859
First I had to put his cock in the bathtub.

1006
00:47:03,946 --> 00:47:05,823
He is sitting in the bathtub. "Yes, boy."

1007
00:47:06,323 --> 00:47:08,784
"I used to take them down with this bastard."

1008
00:47:09,451 --> 00:47:13,163
I say, "Damn, Grandpa, when you die, can I have that bastard?"

1009
00:47:14,790 --> 00:47:16,583
"Where I can take them down."

1010
00:47:17,709 --> 00:47:20,295
You can't masturbate that long. You have to cock it.

1011
00:47:26,093 --> 00:47:28,637
Look at the women out there. "Where is your grandfather?" He's dead.

1012
00:47:29,972 --> 00:47:31,932
He's deader than the bastard. He's dead.

1013
00:47:35,561 --> 00:47:36,687
I'll tell you something else.

1014
00:47:36,770 --> 00:47:40,440
I mean, when you get married, guys, be careful when you get married, okay?

1015
00:47:40,524 --> 00:47:41,608
When you get married,

1016
00:47:42,192 --> 00:47:46,572
And if your wife has never been married before, be very careful.

1017
00:47:46,655 --> 00:47:50,075
Because the women's first wedding wants to be a success.

1018
00:47:50,158 --> 00:47:51,493
- Am I right? - Mm-hmm.

1019
00:47:51,577 --> 00:47:52,578
Let me tell you, lady.

1020
00:47:52,661 --> 00:47:56,999
And traditionally, the father is the one who must pay for the wedding.

1021
00:47:57,666 --> 00:48:00,294
Man, my wife now, I've been married before.

1022
00:48:00,377 --> 00:48:01,879
This is his first marriage.

1023
00:48:01,962 --> 00:48:03,672
And man, let me tell you.

1024
00:48:04,548 --> 00:48:06,758
His father passed away, so I told him:

1025
00:48:06,842 --> 00:48:09,428
"I'll take care of the wedding. Don't worry about that."

1026
00:48:09,511 --> 00:48:12,431
Without realizing how much this shit costs.

1027
00:48:13,181 --> 00:48:14,224
Do you know what I'm saying?

1028
00:48:14,308 --> 00:48:17,936
After they started adding up, renting the building, I'm close to $100,000.

1029
00:48:18,020 --> 00:48:20,355
I said, "This is a lot of money."

1030
00:48:20,856 --> 00:48:23,150
I told my wife, "Man, look, they're going to try on the dress."

1031
00:48:23,233 --> 00:48:25,652
Guys, I don't know if you ever go when women try on dresses,

1032
00:48:25,736 --> 00:48:27,696
but they get on a stage like that.

1033
00:48:28,572 --> 00:48:30,490
And she goes to the back and tries on the dress.

1034
00:48:30,574 --> 00:48:33,035
And all his family and friends would be sitting there.

1035
00:48:33,118 --> 00:48:36,038
They're eating this shit. They have chicken, roast, everything.

1036
00:48:36,538 --> 00:48:41,084
And they say, "Oh, that's so nice."

1037
00:48:41,627 --> 00:48:44,838
"Oh, that's so pretty."

1038
00:48:45,589 --> 00:48:46,590
Then my wife came home.

1039
00:48:46,673 --> 00:48:49,384
She's tried on about 15 dresses, you know what I'm saying?

1040
00:48:49,468 --> 00:48:52,721
And she said, "Bruce, I'm going to tell you, I found the dress."

1041
00:48:53,388 --> 00:48:57,392
I said, "Is this this one?" She said, "It's this one."

1042
00:48:58,185 --> 00:49:01,313
I said, "Really?" She said, "Yes." He said, "I'll tell you something."

1043
00:49:01,396 --> 00:49:03,982
"I've never seen anything so beautiful in my life."

1044
00:49:04,066 --> 00:49:06,944
I said, "Well, look, let me be honest with you."

1045
00:49:07,027 --> 00:49:09,988
I said, "I'm looking at everything I have to pay."

1046
00:49:10,072 --> 00:49:12,532
And I said, "I told you I'd pay for everything."

1047
00:49:12,616 --> 00:49:15,911
I said, "But I'm going to spend $100,000."

1048
00:49:15,994 --> 00:49:19,247
I said, "Why don't you buy the dress yourself?"

1049
00:49:20,248 --> 00:49:21,166
"And I'll take you there."

1050
00:49:21,249 --> 00:49:22,918
She said, "Buy the dress myself?"

1051
00:49:24,795 --> 00:49:27,464
I asked her, "How much does the dress cost?" He replied, "Ten thousand dollars."

1052
00:49:27,965 --> 00:49:31,218
I said, "So, you're looking at a dress you're only going to wear one damn time?"

1053
00:49:31,718 --> 00:49:34,012
"10,000 dollars." I said, "No, go buy a dress. Make it yourself."

1054
00:49:34,096 --> 00:49:36,390
Guess what happened. They started again from scratch.

1055
00:49:36,890 --> 00:49:40,143
I went back to try on more dresses. Everyone was eating, roasting.

1056
00:49:41,103 --> 00:49:42,396
"Oh."

1057
00:49:42,938 --> 00:49:44,272
"Ah."

1058
00:49:44,356 --> 00:49:46,525
"That dress is so pretty."

1059
00:49:46,608 --> 00:49:49,653
My wife came home and said, "You know what? You're not going to believe this."

1060
00:49:49,736 --> 00:49:53,407
I found a dress. It's the same as the one I chose.

1061
00:49:53,907 --> 00:49:55,909
She said, "You won't believe it." I said, "Really?"

1062
00:49:55,993 --> 00:49:57,995
She said, "You can't tell them apart."

1063
00:49:58,620 --> 00:50:02,124
I said, "Well, shit, if that's it, that's your dress."

1064
00:50:02,708 --> 00:50:03,834
Do you know what I'm saying?

1065
00:50:03,917 --> 00:50:06,795
And she said, "Yeah, I'm glad I found it." I asked him, "How much does it cost?"

1066
00:50:06,878 --> 00:50:08,463
This bastard said, "400 dollars."

1067
00:50:11,967 --> 00:50:13,593
The bastard told me 10,000 dollars!

1068
00:50:15,137 --> 00:50:16,513
And I'm going to tell you something.

1069
00:50:16,596 --> 00:50:18,432
I'm very reasonable when it comes to things.

1070
00:50:18,515 --> 00:50:19,683
I told my wife. I told him:

1071
00:50:19,766 --> 00:50:22,811
"If you ever want to leave me, it will be the easiest thing in the world."

1072
00:50:22,894 --> 00:50:24,354
"I'm not going to insult you."

1073
00:50:24,438 --> 00:50:27,024
"'Bitch, I did this. Bitch, I did that.' I'm not doing that."

1074
00:50:27,107 --> 00:50:29,818
All I want you to do is have enough respect and say, "Bruce,

1075
00:50:29,901 --> 00:50:32,279
I found someone else. I want to be with him.

1076
00:50:32,362 --> 00:50:34,197
"I don't want to be with you anymore."

1077
00:50:34,281 --> 00:50:37,409
And I'll look you right in the eye and say, "Are you sure?"

1078
00:50:38,160 --> 00:50:40,078
And you will say: "Yes."

1079
00:50:40,162 --> 00:50:42,581
I'm going to say, "Okay, we have to go ahead and finish."

1080
00:50:42,664 --> 00:50:43,915
"But let me tell you something."

1081
00:50:43,999 --> 00:50:47,919
"If you could find someone who would treat you better than me,"

1082
00:50:48,003 --> 00:50:50,297
I said, "That's your damn man."

1083
00:50:51,339 --> 00:50:55,010
"And if the bastard is so good, bitch, I'm moving there too."

1084
00:50:56,887 --> 00:50:59,139
It doesn't make sense for both of us to be unhappy.

1085
00:50:59,681 --> 00:51:00,515
Am I right?

1086
00:51:02,726 --> 00:51:04,061
Let me tell you something.

1087
00:51:06,855 --> 00:51:08,899
I love children. Does anyone like children?

1088
00:51:10,192 --> 00:51:11,151
I love them.

1089
00:51:11,651 --> 00:51:14,196
Let me tell you something, man. I have a little niece.

1090
00:51:14,279 --> 00:51:17,199
Let me tell you something. This girl has been here before.

1091
00:51:18,075 --> 00:51:19,868
She is four years old. It's smart.

1092
00:51:19,951 --> 00:51:21,953
She looks at everything. She looks at you.

1093
00:51:22,454 --> 00:51:23,663
She knows the alphabet.

1094
00:51:23,747 --> 00:51:25,082
She knows her colors.

1095
00:51:25,165 --> 00:51:27,209
She knows how to count. All.

1096
00:51:27,834 --> 00:51:29,920
So she loves my wife.

1097
00:51:30,003 --> 00:51:31,463
She calls my wife "Titi."

1098
00:51:32,130 --> 00:51:33,757
She calls me uncle. "Uncle."

1099
00:51:33,840 --> 00:51:34,925
You know, she must be very excited.

1100
00:51:35,008 --> 00:51:37,344
"Dude, come see me. When are you coming home?"

1101
00:51:37,427 --> 00:51:40,555
So she and my wife are like twins, right?

1102
00:51:41,223 --> 00:51:43,433
So he loves to take a bath.

1103
00:51:43,517 --> 00:51:44,726
Then my wife put her in the bathtub.

1104
00:51:44,810 --> 00:51:46,812
She is there with her rubber ducks playing.

1105
00:51:46,895 --> 00:51:48,105
Then my wife takes her out of the bathtub.

1106
00:51:48,188 --> 00:51:49,856
and rub it with a little lotion and things like that.

1107
00:51:49,940 --> 00:51:52,150
She says: "Titi, put something on me that smells good."

1108
00:51:52,234 --> 00:51:53,777
Then he took some oil and put it on.

1109
00:51:53,860 --> 00:51:56,655
He said, "Dude, smell my arm." I smell his arm. I say, "It smells good."

1110
00:51:56,738 --> 00:51:58,240
Then my wife put on her clothes.

1111
00:51:58,907 --> 00:52:02,285
Then my wife got dressed. He said, "Emily." Her name is Emily.

1112
00:52:02,828 --> 00:52:04,621
She said, "Did you fart?"

1113
00:52:06,289 --> 00:52:08,458
Emily looked at her seriously. He said, "No."

1114
00:52:08,542 --> 00:52:09,417
"I shit."

1115
00:52:11,628 --> 00:52:12,754
I had to run out of the room.

1116
00:52:12,838 --> 00:52:15,257
My wife says, "That's not funny." Yes of course.

1117
00:52:15,757 --> 00:52:18,218
Because he knew how to say it and when to say it.

1118
00:52:19,594 --> 00:52:21,429
That girl always put her hand to her head.

1119
00:52:21,513 --> 00:52:22,973
She says, "I have a great idea."

1120
00:52:23,056 --> 00:52:24,599
It's not an idea, it's a great idea.

1121
00:52:24,683 --> 00:52:26,101
"I have a great idea."

1122
00:52:26,852 --> 00:52:30,063
Man, I took her on a cruise here in December, right?

1123
00:52:30,147 --> 00:52:33,275
And I'll tell you how smart he is. These children are smart.

1124
00:52:33,358 --> 00:52:34,526
She was in our room.

1125
00:52:34,609 --> 00:52:35,735
When we close the door to our room,

1126
00:52:35,819 --> 00:52:39,197
She looked again at the number on my bedroom door.

1127
00:52:40,240 --> 00:52:42,284
That's how smart he is. And he remembered it.

1128
00:52:42,367 --> 00:52:43,368
So the next morning,

1129
00:52:43,451 --> 00:52:45,662
She picks up the ship's phone and calls our room.

1130
00:52:45,745 --> 00:52:48,582
'Because he remembers the damn room number.

1131
00:52:48,665 --> 00:52:50,709
She said, "Uncle." I said, "What's wrong, honey?"

1132
00:52:50,792 --> 00:52:53,211
"Will you come pick me up and take me to breakfast?"

1133
00:52:53,295 --> 00:52:54,337
I say, "Yes."

1134
00:52:54,421 --> 00:52:56,506
I tell him, "Titi and I will be there in a minute."

1135
00:52:56,590 --> 00:52:59,134
So we went there and knocked on the door.

1136
00:52:59,217 --> 00:53:00,594
His mother opened the door.

1137
00:53:00,677 --> 00:53:07,017
And she has her sister, you know, in bed, asleep. 350 easy.

1138
00:53:11,479 --> 00:53:15,066
And he got his aunt, 350 easily.

1139
00:53:15,150 --> 00:53:17,986
So they were both in bed, sleeping together.

1140
00:53:18,069 --> 00:53:19,696
So we're getting ready to head out the door.

1141
00:53:19,779 --> 00:53:21,865
Emily stopped at the door, turned around and looked.

1142
00:53:21,948 --> 00:53:23,325
She said, "Uncle." I say, "What?"

1143
00:53:23,408 --> 00:53:25,243
She said, "They're too big to be in that bed."

1144
00:53:27,829 --> 00:53:30,040
I said, "Is that them?" She said, "Look at them."

1145
00:53:30,665 --> 00:53:32,792
She said, "They're big." I said, "Yeah, they're big."

1146
00:53:32,876 --> 00:53:33,877
She said, "Yes."

1147
00:53:33,960 --> 00:53:34,794
"Just like you."

1148
00:53:40,467 --> 00:53:41,468
Now look all of you.

1149
00:53:42,385 --> 00:53:43,511
Are you all having fun?

1150
00:53:48,975 --> 00:53:50,435
Are they really having fun?

1151
00:53:52,729 --> 00:53:55,065
But look, they told me: Look, I'm going to do this.

1152
00:53:55,148 --> 00:53:56,983
Look, I don't have a final joke.

1153
00:53:57,651 --> 00:53:59,402
Because I don't tell jokes.

1154
00:54:00,028 --> 00:54:02,656
I tell real life stories and make them funny.

1155
00:54:03,156 --> 00:54:05,992
So I'm not like your average comedian, who makes a final joke and shouts, "Peace!"

1156
00:54:06,076 --> 00:54:09,579
"Thank you, God bless you," I leave the stage. I don't do it because I don't tell jokes.

1157
00:54:09,663 --> 00:54:12,832
So basically, when I'm done performing on stage,

1158
00:54:12,916 --> 00:54:14,542
I just go and go.

1159
00:54:21,758 --> 00:54:25,804
Bruce!

1160
00:54:35,230 --> 00:54:39,859
Bruce!